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Norway scores the second in the list of Bieber related public self-humiliations

Oslo, Norway - Only 2-3 days after the public self-humiliation of the paparazzi, that confessed he was kicked by teen idol Justin "Stallone" Bieber (who barely weighs 40 kilos), thousands in Norway join the Bieber related public ritual of self-humiliation in downtown Oslo. "Yes, I am a fan of JB (not to be mistaken with BJ - interviewee)" and I did decide to come out of the closet with my deviation, hence I join this public self-humiliation event in front of cameras and passers-by." confessed a fan, who however wanted to be unnamed. 

The baby-face, baby idol pop singer is in Norway with a short visit and performed in a free concert in the Opera building. 

The "Karate Kid" Bieber was initially to appear with a press conference which was eventually cancelled for security considerations. Organizers and Oslo Police had information about too many fans having brain damage. They also possessed information about other fans that were potential threat. The latter rounded up the press conference venue with placards reading "Kick me like you kicked the damn paparazzi" and "I want to kiss you even if you hit me as hard as the freaking Will Smith did last week."

Police tightened the control of the areas near the concert venue, where allegedly 15.000-20.000 fans have gathered to push others as a token of dedication to their jelly-haired idol.

Police had to invite additional security forces, psychiatrists, extra emergency staff from Red Cross and drug addicts gathered around central station.

The Redd Cross representative informed Comedy Now! that they had to show first aid to 88 victims. At least 86 of them, according to the shift manager, were reported to have brain damage. "Some of them cited 

Na na na, na na na, na na na

Yeah girl

Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

If I was your boyfriend

Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

If I was your boyfriend...

verse of his song titled Boyfriend, the last thing they remember before their brain cells were temporarily paralyzed, by the immune system" says Kristian Rødegaard, the operational manager of Akershus Red Cross, and adds "we assume the accumulation of 37 repeating meaningless "na na"-s separated by one or two random words such as "girl" and "boyfriend", in one single sentence, could have been the trigger for brain failure among some of the victims." 

Emergency command leader Simen Ambulanssen standing next to Kristian Rødegaard, added that they have contacted their Red Cross branches internationally as well as the Norwegian Ministry of Health and World Health Organization, with concerns of possible mass brain disorder pandemic worldwide, as the alleged reason for 86 cases of partial brain failure during the event - the song Boyfriend, was released on iTunes, and currently holds the rank of #1. 

Concert Security, downtown drug addicts and Roma beggar affairs chief Squad leader at Oslo Police, commented that they wish they got more information from the organizers, and were updated that "that babyface freak was so popular among the brainless kids we ought to protect from themselves."

Our reporter approached organizers at UniIQ Norge, for comments. Their spokesperson  refused to answer questions and said this one line "Oslo municipality should consider renaming the main avenue Carl Johan gate into Biebergate, as this streets has never before seen so much crowd, and this little fisherman town has never been able to get so many kids out on the street, outside the national day celebration thingy" 

In response to Norwegian media's extensive coverage of Justin "Kung Fu" Bieber's visit and related security situation, terrorist Ander Breivik, through his lawyer, expressed his outrage, seeing his case coverage suffering.

Leaked Document Predicts Ice Age for Scandinavia and Norway’s Secret Political Consultations

A leaked document reveals sensational information on new ice age predictions for the North and Norway’s political elite’s secret consultations on the matter.

Document informs that prime minister Stoltenberg has called on a secret emergency meeting, for political consultations with major parties. A handful of countries were cited for possible relocation destination during the meeting. Knowing the geographic and climate preferences of Norwegian population, political leaders have all named countries from the South.

Considering dominant anti-immigrant positions and negative stereotypes about Norwegians (reinforced by extensive drinking and casual relationship habits of young Norwegian tourists) in the societies of Norwegians' top favorites - Spain, Italy and Greece, developing countries further south were given priority.

Somalia, according to the document, was the most favored option, since there has not been a functioning government in Somalia since 1991, and because Somalis are the second largest immigrant (as well as a sizable asylum-seeker) population in Norway, which can be politically utilized.

The initial discussions assumed NATO-led clear up of Somalia proper from Al Shabaab and other militant groups and a step-by-step assumption of authority from the Transitional Federal Government to the Norwegian government. Taken the already strong international stereotype of "peace-loving" Norway, and the fact that Norway has no colonial past, the de facto colonialization of Somalia was seen as no potential issue for the international community. Possibility of partial or full adherence to Sharia law was noted.

Ironically, the long-time anti-immigration and populist political forces were the ones most pushing for Somalia. Because UN gave Norway 1-2 years to prepare grounds for full evacuation of its entire population, some of the most noted right wing anti-immigration politicians, and Siv Jensen (Norway’s "want to be" Margaret Thatcher) in particular, aggressively pushed for liberalizing immigration regime for that period. Jensen’s stance on immigration, i.e., liberalization for political credit, was debated by leftists on grounds of being immoral. Participants shared distrust towards Jensen’s reversed positions on immigration and UN Climate works (Jensen has traditionally been talking against UN documents or forecasts on global climate change and likes to attack Al Gore or Foreign Minister Støre on climate change speculations).

"Jern-Erna" the Iron Erna [Erna Solberg] of Høyre (Right Conservative Party) also dropped her initial anti-immigrant stances and supported Siv Jensen’s push for increased immigration before eventual evacuation.

Christian Democratic Party’s (KrF) Hareide had nothing to say on the matter, except for, time and again, blaming US and China for the global environmental mess.

PM Stoltenberg from Labor Party (AP) pointed out that the new reality [possible relocation of Norwegians to Somalia] would undoubtedly make Norwegian society truly multicultural, as his government would do everything to integrate locals [Somalis] into the New Norway. "This will also help prove to European colleagues that multiculturalism in Europe has not expired itself", Mr. Stoltenberg concluded. Prime minister, however, was criticized by Høyre’s Erna Solberg and Social Left’s (SV) Kristin Halvorsen, for cheating the constituents on immigration and integration. His immigration regulations were called the strictest in Europe.

Liv Signe Navarsete, the leader of the Senterpartiet (AgriParty) had no serious remarks on the emergency except that she did enquire if there would be credible Zen coaches or local witch doctors she could hire once relocated. Live also mentioned she would have her people look into Photobucket or other image-sharing websites, to see if they can find any logo designs relevant to the flora of the host country, i.e. Somalia that would replace the current party logo, after full relocation.

The gathered unanimously decided to pave way for more sincere integration in the country for the coming two years. Among other measures, it was decided to urge Norway’s media to drop the one-sided, immigrant-focused rape and social system abuse reporting, and start balancing up by finally bringing the domestic and international abuses by Norwegians to light. Ways for significant increase of Somali community's influence on politics and social life in Norway were also touched upon.

Disclaimer: This is political satire! Events, names and ideas are satirical and fictional!